Exploring authenticity through conscious healing

 It's one of those days Where I seek refuge in writing In sharing and choosing to be vulnerable Honest, raw and open This is one of those pieces that unfolds itself I'm holding my phone and typing the words Not knowing what comes next Seeking hope and changing forgiving, grieving and mourning Of past expectations and dreams Lots of confusion and lots of pain A battle with my ego that wants to win alone Realising there's no lasting joy without shared emotions Struggling to practice being happy for others without feeling like I lost Why is it so difficult to celebrate others and not feel threatened? I remind myself of the abundance around I am safe and it's okay to be happy for others Maybe my need to feel different comes in the way of receiving human love I don't want to feel special if it's at the cost of being alone I rather choose the mundane and ordinary And laugh and cry with those around me Maybe it's okay to fit in and experience life together with oth...

Personally it has not been constructive for me to focus on my weaknesses. It has only been making me feel low, unqualified and drains out all my positive energy. Due to my tendency for excessive self criticism it's proven easier to instead direct my energy into focusing on my strengths which helps establish a better sense of self worth. The confidence and power of which naturally exudes to help me move past my weaknesse. And it works like wonders! I had a lot of resistance to try this age old practice because I thought I'd be arrogant and vain otherwise. It requires humility to be truly confident. So you actually don't lose anything by validating and acknowledging your existing strengths. You instead get more energy, inspiration and motivation to push past your limitations. Knowing that your worth is not based on how much or how quickly you overcome your weaknesses. When that pressure doesn't exist then you're able to make better progress at your own gentle pace. Re...

 I often get overwhelmed with how abundant life is and struggle to appreciate because I don't feel deserving of receiving. This feeling of unworthiness prevents me from immersing myself in the joyous ocean of gratitude. I tend to remain in a state of denial because of a low self worth which makes me miss out on all the existing wonderful things that I could be thankful of. I even avoid counting my blessings because I'm worried it will be taken away from me. I realised I was doing this because I had a lot of internal resistance with giving in to pride. It was revelating to realise how pride is indeed one of the 6 anarthas(anything that is not artha- or that which is not the goal). The much needed reminder of the knowing that we're conditioned beings in this material world. So, Isn't it much better to take positive forward actions and engage in pride than to remain stagnant with excessive jealousy and envy? To be proud of how far you've come instead of letting your fa...

 Healing now feels like a war where I'm guaranteed victory. Entering the battlefield to fight against my dark shadows, pasts and to defeat repeating cycles and breakfree. For a year I was healing in isolation. I didn't feel deserving of love or support. It took me time to understand that I need my community to heal. And now I'm constantly craving for my support system. If I'm going to war, I need my army. I want to be well nourished and make sure my basic needs are met. I don't want to fight and exhaust all my energy that I'll end up having to heal my nervous system from all that rushed "healing". Sometimes we get carried away with growing that we forget to just be. To allow our messy, raw metamorphosis process to be seen by those we love. We want to patch it up and perform and act so they don't see us for who we truly are even if it's just temperory. Why do we pressure ourselves to be perfect? To constantly be a finished product of something. ...

 Life is like a bonda Why I say that I don't know Fiiine let me come to the point. I haven't written in ages although every single day I've been wanting to. There was a break I needed to take and now coming back, I feel robbed, left with just hesitancy In destitution, I file a case against my mind Who stole from me My precious savings of confidence, expression, vulnerability and compassion I wanna blame and point fingers but it looks at me with puppy eyes Softening my heart against my wishes Asking to be heard and seen with a kinder light To forgive and understand The reason for my resistance Now I write to affirm and reassure Hoping the ice melts After the chillness of all the change and distance Everyone's experience is unique. What I share may be something someone already knows. But the nuances are never the same. The words barely exact. Why fear when there are people to hear. Sharing my journey doesn't make me any better than others but fulfills my own heart and...

 I surrender to the waves that won't let me outrun As they catch up to me quickly Leaving no room dry For my pain to hide Everytime I fall back into my pattern of wanting to feel better than someone else when I am feeling insecure, threatened or envious due to my unresolved pain or trauma being triggered I yearn for an increasing remembrance and practice - To spot and let go of my codependency trait to help others just to feel better about myself To look at their positive qualities and go- wow how do they effortlessly do something that I'm only beginning to understand and integrate To let myself be awestruck and to ask them for their story with genuine curiosity To sit back and hear them narrate with passion their journey Watching their eyes light up as into their inner world I'm granted entry From one heart to another The sharing of experiences incomparably unique Ahhh The glories of empathic listening And the power of story telling No place for jealousy Loneliness fading ...

 Falling deeper and deeper in love with life as each day passes by With the unfailing rising of the sun that sets on yesterdays Climbing ashore after the storms that shoved me into the chasm of my shadows Breathing in acceptance, of a breath so filled with compassion Gently soothing my ruptured nerves into a soul expanding radiance ... I've been asked many times. What keeps you going? Why do you choose to heal? Now, I'll tell you why. I invite you to listen with an open heart, forgetting everything around for a while. Imagine a frozen lake. Cold and icy shards. I'm that water within and also the ice on top. The ice that I unconsciously layered, to stop further hurt. Alas it also meant, to block out the divine flow of love. One day, tired of being frozen into survival and yearning for some fresh air, I wanted to heal. I wanted to stop piercing myself and others with the painful sharp edges of my complex-trauma icicles.* (check comments) Ever since that day, I've been liv...

 I've been babysitting for 8 months now and it's been a beautiful journey with lots of lovely learnings. I want to share a very precious memory and a profound realisation that followed. One morning on the 26th of December, I was helping this little guy finish his abc's. Until then we had been doing only 13 letters a day. Today was a milestone moment where we brought all 26 letters to the floor. When we finally completed, I tried to get him to sing the abcd song but we would keep getting stuck at the lmnop part. I was losing patience and he was also getting restless. I had to try my best to keep patient and calm. I caught myself thinking, why can't he get it! What's so difficult about this? But immediately stopped myself and reminded that he's a literal child who's learning all of this for the first time. I've no right to have any expectations nor hold it against him for struggling. With renewed patience and self regulation from my side, we tried again an...

  I used to think that if something messed up, it was the end. I would officially declare it a bad day. I'd let it affect me for feeling bad, sad, anxious, worried, etc. and would blame the incident, person or conversation. Healing has helped me learn and become aware of how most of our actions, reactions and behaviours are unconscious responses to past pain/trauma. And, it very rarely has something to do directly with the present circumstances. Inspite of this renewed awareness, I sometimes catch me being hard on myself when I realise that I let my mind get the better of me. I question myself saying, -OMG you knew it was not healthy and you still did it? -Why would you give in to this negative cycle? -Not again bhagya! -Sigh, when will you learn. And then I draaaag myself to a pause. Wait a second. How could I be so rude to myself when I'm already suffering! When I'm struggling and battling in the clutches of my mind all triggered and emotional. The last thing I need is mo...

I had certain goals to achieve and once I did, there remained a coating of disappointment within. When I saw that I was not the only one and felt like a commoner. To have worked so hard to get here only to find myself yet again hidden amongst another group of similarly positioned people. And, that made me question everything. Realising how absolutely futile it is to compare objective material assets. How all that supposed victory feels like a waste of time. A return to where I started? Because this would be an endless trial. Striving and competing for more and more and yet having no true satisfaction. All of this made me shift my focus. Refusing to sit in disappointment knowing and remembering what it took off me to have reached here. How these external achivements are merely a by product of the growth that has happened within me during this process. Comparison with others can be very dangerous. It's like the balance machine used by vendors. One second you're up and the next se...

I went on a beach date with my friend and she took a video of me dancing in the waves Watching it moved me with suprise and made me go - GOSH HEALING IS SO FRIKKING WORTH IT! Worth the awareness and acknowledgement it brings of all the pain, hurt, injustice, blame and trauma that young innocent me had faced. I felt so free! It had been a rough few days just before that date. Each time I consciously choose to address and heal a certain wound from my past, I am taken on a spin around in the dark, foggy storm, unsure of when things will settle down. But when they do always naturally calm down, I feel immensely relieved. Like a huge chunk has been lifted off from my heart. I feel like soaring, flying and dancing just like in this video! It is a lot of jumping and twirling hehe The light heartedness, the further freeing of my suppressed inner child, the wildness from within syncing with the sea breeze and the fearless dance of the waves lifting me off my feet! Once my friend told me that wa...

  'No one is judging me.' This has been my recent mantra and how empowering it's proven to be! I understand if there may be some resistance while you read this particular piece, it took me a looong time to reach here. NO ONE IS JUDGING ME. I AM JUDGING MYSELF. Next time I feel judged, I'm going to tell myself 2 things, 1. They're not judging me. I'm judging myself. Why am I judging myself? And take it on from there with personal responsibility holding nothing but gratitude for the other person. Thanking them for bringing light onto what needs to be looked upon within myself that's causing me to feel shame and pain. 2. I know it's not true. I won't let it affect me. It is their projection. And I hope to be compassionate and pray that they get the strength to look into and heal whatever hurt them in the past. (If it continues, I'll keep distance because I want love and positivity hehe) Ever since I consciously began this practice it feels so libera...

I have always been a very expressive person. I began sharing on social media when I was 15 but it was very inconsistent as I'd keep giving in to my fears, insecurities, self-doubt and criticisms. I deleted 2 Instagram accounts and would keep deactivating and aarchiving certain posts but I somehow kept coming back again and again thanks to the encouragement of a few close friends. I kept questioning this drive I'd from within to speak and share my process and journey. I felt like this black sheep from childhood and I really struggled to 'fit in'. I couldn't see many around me who felt the same way as I did and that made me feel really lonely and like an outcast. Age was also a really big factor. It was the biggest issue that I'd to battle which stopped me several times from speaking my truth. Now I no longer believe that my human age has a say in who I am. I'm not too mature, wise, old and boring nor am I too young, naive, cool and stupid. I'm exactly the...

 You are enough Yet I can never have enough of you Not that you're too little  but that I'm always ready   to meet more of who you can be I'm ready to hold space For all of your being For who you show up as And who you choose to be You are enough  But I would never mind To have some more of you At your own able pace I aspire to believe continuously That I'll be empowered When I take empty handed  leaps of faith And as you keep filling my cups That I'll be provided with To contain your overflowing  radiant rays 30th March, 2022

 For a long time I thought that I had to become a certain version of myself to deserve love.  That I had to heal such and such issues and then I'd be ready. And until then I would not let myself receive any love because I wasn't ready and hence didn't deserve it. The more I kept healing, I began to see how deeply conditioned I am. I'm so wounded, broken and flawed that clearly nothing is going to disappear or change overnight.  Then, why do I find myself waiting for that utopic day and let that stop me from savouring the present, iregardless of my current state of being.  WHERE IS THE RUSH?? Just continuously weeding a garden doesn't make it flourish. It sure helps protect it but without direct positive actions like watering and getting sunlight there will be nothing left to protect! In the name of healing, I've been running away. Running away from the love that's descending to help me heal. I've been punishing myself unnecessarily by blocking out suppor...

 Dear (insert your name), Please pause for a moment and with a deep breath see how far you've come! Forget the outside world and remember all of that pain you went through. If you as the person who went through them don't accept and validate your own experiences, then the world is waiting to construte it's own narrative for you(and not necessarily a pleasant version of it). It's interesting how we all want to hear that we are not alone in this. It's time to practice your voice, compose your own lyrics and sing from your heart the song you always wanted to hear. Once you begin, you'll hear supportive voices vibrating back to join you in your choir.  It's not too late. It's never too late to express to yourself and to others.  To express your feelings, desires, fears, vulnerabilities and insecurities. To own up and acknowledge their existence. Acceptance can take a while but it's alright. Just take full claim of all that is you. Of all those parts that...

 I had always avoided relationships of any sort. I had an aversion towards getting close to anyone.  I was scared to face myself. Scared to face my dark parts reflected on the mirror-faces of those around me. I thought that externally pushing people away would prevent me from having to face myself and the fears and issues within me. Healing has helped me understand how conflicts mostly arise from  1. getting triggered when others project their issues on me 2. or taking things personally when it has nothing to do with me. If I'm uncomfortable or triggered, I allow myself to first gently discern and gather all facts before I hide or shut down to cope.  If it's the first, then, I aspire to accept the discomfort that arises from the conversation or interaction.  To practice gratitude for it has shone light and awareness on a deep issue within me that might have taken me forever to root out on my own.  If it's the latter then I consciously step out of my self ob...

 Sometimes I wonder why I share my thoughts and writings? Every single time that I do, I go through this pre war ritual for a battle against my inner self critic. To push past that fear of judgement and to just do it without overthinking.  I used to think it's because I am scared of people judging me but I also know factually that most people are absorbed in their own lives and barely have the time or interest to judge others.  And even if they do, I couldn't care less as it's been 3 years since I began sharing and I am used to the usual 'ageist' comments.  Then why do I still feel like I'm being judged? It's because I have been judging myself all along.  Yes, there are those people around you who can be judgemental but I'm talking about  'feeling like you're being judged even when you don't actually receive any external judgement.'  Again I'm still wondering how there might be people who read this and go- pfft nothing new, I already ...

 Loneliness is such a common experience that most of us go through. We're not alone in the battles that we fight because at the end of the day all of us are struggling souls who simply crave for some love, companionship and a sense of belonging. That search for home. A home where we can be ourselves with others who are themselves. A home where you can peel back all layers of pretence, fear, doubt, criticism and blame.  A home where you're accepted despite your flaws and given enough room with caring support and trust so you can work on yourself. To first make myself home so I can invite people over and in turn get invited to other such homes.  To simply do my part and sit back.  Heal thyself and let the magic happen! 16th January,  2022

 I've been pushing myself to compete, race, compare and conquer. For years I tried hard to prove my worth. But eventually I began to break and crumple from the pressure and expectations that arose from my possessing some skills. I'm slowly learning to relax and not focus on achieving something constantly. My position of existence need not be bought with all this extraneous, external endeavour. I no longer believe that I require n number of accomplishments to deserve acceptance, space and love.  Picking up my shards, I feel inspired to just be. Sigh! *Insert deep breath* To just be. To just breathe and move gradually. To not focus and obsess on moving forward that I lose sense of who I am in the now. I aspire to let my 'be'ing move me naturally forward. 12th January, 2022

 That rusty feeling when you play a violin that was packed away for months in the generous company of thin layers of dust.  That rusty feeling when you socialise after staying home too long or when you go for a walk after resting a fractured limb for months.  I feel that rustiness now writing here again. It has been so long that I have mixed feelings about it. A break is good but the rust part is inevitably true. And to overcome that rust you gotta move through it. This is a piece I offer in attempt to move past that rustiness, hoping to find some clarity and relief. Everytime I find myself drowning in self- contradiction, thinking of the ocean gives me peace.  Look at those waves. They belong to the same water body. They fearlessly move forward and take up space as they need. They then leave with no hesitation as their limit breaches past their capacity.  Waves appearing from multitudes of angles of various size and density, hold space for each other without co...

 Sometime last week when I was walking in the streets of Vrindavan, I was up in my head pondering about the future.  With the added fatigue from the heat and anxiety from the monkeys around, one thing led to another and my mind began spiralling towards negativity and doubt. I found myself exclaiming aloud,  'Who knows what's going to happen?' I then took a step back and replaced that who with Krishna. Hearing that made me relax immediately. I felt like I hit Jackpot. I could breathe better and bring myself back to the present. Everytime since then when I find myself giving up and saying 'who knows', rephrasing it to 'Krishna knows', makes me feel sheltered and hopeful. 7th August,  2021

 I always preferred being by myself. I never bothered to deepen relationships because my expectations were so low that I would automatically assume the worst. I barely gave first chances or the benefit of doubts. I was just sure it wouldn't work out. I knew it was going to be temporary and would end sometime. These thoughts stopped me from reaching out and making new friends. I drew so many boundaries that they formed a wall around me. I thought I was protecting myself from rejection, betrayal and disappointment. I thought I was doing what I thought was best for me. Looking back now, I realise I've been reacting from a place of fear based control and false detachment. For years these thoughts frustrated me and made me feel helpless and lonely. In the name of having high standards I was pushing people away. I intentionally wouldn't open up in fear of sharing too much because what if after I tell my story, they leave me? What if I spend hours talking to someone only for them...

What am I after? How are my thoughts and where are my intentions? How many times do we consciously recognise our generous contribution to this vast scene of judgementalness. Is it actually for healthy discernment or is it for that validation we receive in ourselves when we judge others? I've heard people openly judge others and own up to it with pride. After all they're being themselves so who is to stop or blame them? But when those same people complained of being judged by others, I used to find that searingly hypocritical. Little did I know that goody-pants me was subtly judging their negative judgments. I was startled when I found this quote. It reminded me of how when you point one finger at others, you've three pointing right back at you. That pride and assumption I held of being visibly less judgemental than others was directly attacked. Judging others for being judgemental turned out to be a greater form of hypocrisy in this situation. To recap. I find there are thr...

 Dear Bhagya, You deserve the best and you don't have to wait for it to come through others.  Throw flowers on yourself and go for a walk. Read a book or take a nap. Play violin or call a friend. Stop expecting to hear from someone else. Stop waiting to be invited. If and when it happens, it happens. Until then invite yourself. Invite yourself to have a good time. Invite yourself to do fun, crazy stuff that makes you feel whole. Mercury retrograde might be ending for the season but I doubt it matters anymore. Something's bound to keep coming. There will always be someone or something to blame.(astrologically, external weather conditions, lockdowns, unexpected behaviours from other people, last minute cancellations...) But who doesn't leave is you. So, choose to be there for yourself. Then, no matter what happens outside it wouldn't make a difference within. Follow your schedule irregardless. Practice discipline and don't wait until you hear from others. Ask for help...

 January 2021 was not easy as I had around a month before I moved to Mayapur. In those last few weeks everything began to magnify for me. I just couldn't wait. I became restless, insecure, impatient, grumpy...and jealous of those already in Mayapur. I would go online for hours and cry and complain as I watched various kirtan programs and festivals being celebrated. It became too much to handle that I decided to do something about it. I just couldn't bear those low vibrational emotions I was surrounding myself with.  I casually googled podcasts on dealing with jealousy and found one by Love Your Life, LYL #151. I began listening to it and was drying my clothes on the balcony when I heard the author say something that changed my perspective completely. That one line which I still hold onto my heart everytime I find myself being jealous of someone or the experiences they go through.  She said something along the lines of how, "Jealousy is a sign that you know what you want a...

 Like this lily I want to be outside not bothering Existing and thriving From her soul pure and clean Like this lily I want to be Sharing her calm A breath of hope In this chaos around Like this lily I want to be Soft and nurturing Beautiful within Loving boldly Like this lily I want to be Protecting her energy Trusting the divine And uncontrolling 12th June, 2021 (I love water lilies and lotuses! They give me the strength to keep going despite so called external unpleasantaries.)

It's a hot day. I decide to go for a swim. I enter the water. Initially, I remember that I have to return soon. I take a step. The water is refreshing and cool. Within seconds I've forgotten. Time passes by with me turning it a blind eye.  I keep lying to myself but when the sky turns orange, I suddenly realize how far I've strayed from the banks. I profusely blink and internally shriek. What has happened to me?  Where has that girl gone? I find myself wanting that version of me when life seemed easier. Less involved and by herself. In her own little world. The sky now turns a pinkish-red. The setting of the sun is always a sight to witness. The colours keep changing. The moments that are captured compared to the rest of the day when it's bright, hot and plain.  Do I really want her back? do I want to close off once again and not let people in with fear of getting my wounds triggered and having to deal with the consequence. Was running away really the solution?  ...

 It's a masquerade ball Mine fell off Do I want it back? Do I have the strength? To carry on maskless Where, to conceal is the trend    This escalated chicanery  It drains and saddens me To watch my folks lose themselves Desperate in trying to please Alas, I can't eat for another  Nor can I choose but for myself To the water the horse can be taken And with prayers I leave him to think 27th March, 2021 Disclaimer: I started writing and suddenly remembered the current mask situation. Please note that this piece strictly has nothing to do with covid-19 and I've no intentions to desensitize. 

 I was just catching up on my reading for this past week and I came across a reference from the verse 7.6 of the Bhagavad Gita. I finally received confirmation to a theory I've been trying to understand that had seemed contradictory for a long time! “O Supreme Eternal! If the embodied living entities were eternal and all-pervading like You, then they would not be under Your control. But if the living entities are accepted as minute energies of Your Lordship, then they are at once subject to Your supreme control. Therefore real liberation entails surrender by the living entities to Your control, and that surrender will make them happy. In that constitutional position only can they be controllers.” (SB 10.87.30) What I found interesting was, "In that constitutional position only can they be controllers." Since when I consciously decided to take on this journey of healing, I found a few concepts a bit confusing. It sure did help me get through things but I wasn't sure if...

 When Krishna said, "Indriyānām manaś cāsmi"(BG 10.22), that was IT for me.  Of all the senses, the eyes, the ears, etc he very clearly says that he's the mind. Bhagavad Gita has chapters dedicated to this intricate creation and directs us to try and control it. The scriptures and the songs written by Vaishnav Acharyas repeatedly address the mind. Then, how can we as individuals- supress, undermine and ignore mental health issues when our entire philosophy is structured around the power and strength the mind holds in our lives. This paradoxical situation brings my face to a wistful smile. 'Don't worry and chant Hari' Seems to be the default answer when it comes to the disturbances of the mind. When and if this continues to be the literal mood, it would only create hesitations in opening healing conversations.  Isn't it important to create that space within our movement to help people be comfortable without grossly silencing them down with tangential refer...

I could write for hours about the ocean. Although having been brought up near the coast, I finally got to connect with it only during this lockdown.  I found myself drawn to it. Stopped taking my proximity to the beach for granted. Craved for the sea breeze, the salt to clear away collective negativity, the waves teaching me life lessons and the rising sun for warmth and hope.  My best memories were when I went accidentally during a new moon and a full moon. The force and power of mother nature startled me. It simply felt stupid to try and resist. I learnt to truly relax and go with the flow through the waves that wouldn't let me be in control.  Each time I go to the beach it's a new experience. The water is either shallow or deep. Sometimes it is very muddy other times there are lots of shells and crabs. It gets wild during full/new moons. There are times when it's really peaceful and gentle. There's so much to learn everyday. Every moment is new. Change is constant. I...

 The doors are opening.  Doubts being swept away furiously. The palace is alive with workers moving hither thither. This has to and will be a success.  The guests would arrive any moment. The clocks tick statistically. The kitchen exudes aromas of sweet pleasantries and fresh beginnings.  I lift my skirt and twirl around. The smile on my countenance, intractable. I twirl and twirl. Overseeing the preparations. Pinching myself now and then.  Is this another dream or one that is happening truly? Accustomed to the darkness of the chambers, my eyes don't seem to believe what they are witnessing.  Overwhelmed with anticipation and disgruntled with the fears rising within me, I rush to the gardens.  The green has constantly been there for me. The only thing that has made sense throughout. Lying on the grass, I reach my hand to the sky. The vast blue has always helped me connect with Him. To feel His presence and calm gently. To trust His plans and receive wh...

 I can't see the full picture. I can't see the other characters, nor can I read the script. I feel like I've been thrown onto the stage unprepared. Blinking into the eyes of the spectators.  We stare at each other blankly. Not knowing what course to follow. I think I'm supposed to entertain, act and host the play. I keep wanting to do something about the situation but I find that I'm unable to move. I got so absorbed I forgot I was just a puppet. I got so carried away that I forgot that You, the puppeteer, are there to take care of me.  I got so immersed with my fear of such a huge audience (the future) I forgot to let go and cooperate with You. For You are the master of plans which no one can dare to disrupt with their tiny ounces of freewill.  A tug now and then acts as a humbling reminder to let me know who I am or mainly who I am not. I am not the controller. I am not anything but a puppet in Your hands. And to cooperate I will try, to make it easier a path back...