The illusion of perfect

 For a long time I thought that I had to become a certain version of myself to deserve love. 

That I had to heal such and such issues and then I'd be ready. And until then I would not let myself receive any love because I wasn't ready and hence didn't deserve it.


The more I kept healing, I began to see how deeply conditioned I am.

I'm so wounded, broken and flawed that clearly nothing is going to disappear or change overnight. 

Then, why do I find myself waiting for that utopic day and let that stop me from savouring the present, iregardless of my current state of being. 

WHERE IS THE RUSH??

Just continuously weeding a garden doesn't make it flourish. It sure helps protect it but without direct positive actions like watering and getting sunlight there will be nothing left to protect!

In the name of healing, I've been running away. Running away from the love that's descending to help me heal. I've been punishing myself unnecessarily by blocking out support. All because my ego wants me to believe that I don't deserve any of it. 


If not for the sudden tragic news of the passing away of my cousin last month, I wouldn't have woken up to this call anytime soon. Maybe that's why I feel inspired to share this piece of my journey. 


To share that reminder of how we get carried away with our conditionings. 

We identify with our flaws so much that we can't even fathom or entertain thoughts of receiving love and abundance. 

The false ego feeds and thrives from self doubt, pity, hopelessness,..


If you're still reading this then please tell yourself that you've had enough of playing the victim and resigning to fate. 

Fight against your ego and choose to believe in yourself.

Yes it's not easy but it will be worth it. What is to live for if you have nothing or no one to believe in? 

Choose to believe in yourself because you believe in the Lord. 

All it takes is for you to say no more. No more suffering of this pain.

But unless you sit with your pain, you'll never feel like you deserve anything better

Unless you validate your past experiences

You'll keep pushing away what comes your way

It is so difficult but worth it to believe in ourselves.

To believe that we deserve the best and to teach our nervous system the same.

Change your narrative and dare to let that love in. Not because you're perfect now but because you're imperfect. You deserve it because you exist and need it.The fact that you are conditioned and struggling is all the more reason that you need it. When you address it as a need then there's no more the question of sabotaging it. 

If it still feels uncomfortable and painful a process to begin, just remember how when you first apply medicine on a wound it always burns and stings.


24th March, 2022

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why heal?

I went on a beach date with my friend and she took a video of me dancing in the waves Watching it moved me with suprise and made me go - GOSH HEALING IS SO FRIKKING WORTH IT! Worth the awareness and acknowledgement it brings of all the pain, hurt, injustice, blame and trauma that young innocent me had faced. I felt so free! It had been a rough few days just before that date. Each time I consciously choose to address and heal a certain wound from my past, I am taken on a spin around in the dark, foggy storm, unsure of when things will settle down. But when they do always naturally calm down, I feel immensely relieved. Like a huge chunk has been lifted off from my heart. I feel like soaring, flying and dancing just like in this video! It is a lot of jumping and twirling hehe The light heartedness, the further freeing of my suppressed inner child, the wildness from within syncing with the sea breeze and the fearless dance of the waves lifting me off my feet! Once my friend told me that wa...
Read more

Healing- Ice breaker sessions with myself

 Falling deeper and deeper in love with life as each day passes by With the unfailing rising of the sun that sets on yesterdays Climbing ashore after the storms that shoved me into the chasm of my shadows Breathing in acceptance, of a breath so filled with compassion Gently soothing my ruptured nerves into a soul expanding radiance ... I've been asked many times. What keeps you going? Why do you choose to heal? Now, I'll tell you why. I invite you to listen with an open heart, forgetting everything around for a while. Imagine a frozen lake. Cold and icy shards. I'm that water within and also the ice on top. The ice that I unconsciously layered, to stop further hurt. Alas it also meant, to block out the divine flow of love. One day, tired of being frozen into survival and yearning for some fresh air, I wanted to heal. I wanted to stop piercing myself and others with the painful sharp edges of my complex-trauma icicles.* (check comments) Ever since that day, I've been liv...
Read more

Friendship

 I always preferred being by myself. I never bothered to deepen relationships because my expectations were so low that I would automatically assume the worst. I barely gave first chances or the benefit of doubts. I was just sure it wouldn't work out. I knew it was going to be temporary and would end sometime. These thoughts stopped me from reaching out and making new friends. I drew so many boundaries that they formed a wall around me. I thought I was protecting myself from rejection, betrayal and disappointment. I thought I was doing what I thought was best for me. Looking back now, I realise I've been reacting from a place of fear based control and false detachment. For years these thoughts frustrated me and made me feel helpless and lonely. In the name of having high standards I was pushing people away. I intentionally wouldn't open up in fear of sharing too much because what if after I tell my story, they leave me? What if I spend hours talking to someone only for them...
Read more