Fear of relationships

 I had always avoided relationships of any sort. I had an aversion towards getting close to anyone. 

I was scared to face myself. Scared to face my dark parts reflected on the mirror-faces of those around me. I thought that externally pushing people away would prevent me from having to face myself and the fears and issues within me.

Healing has helped me understand how conflicts mostly arise from 

1. getting triggered when others project their issues on me

2. or taking things personally when it has nothing to do with me.

If I'm uncomfortable or triggered, I allow myself to first gently discern and gather all facts before I hide or shut down to cope. 

If it's the first, then, I aspire to accept the discomfort that arises from the conversation or interaction. 

To practice gratitude for it has shone light and awareness on a deep issue within me that might have taken me forever to root out on my own. 

If it's the latter then I consciously step out of my self obsessed zone and try to see that not everything is necessarily about me. 

It is their struggle and I can only hope to be compassionate by holding non-judgemental space for them.

This change in perspective makes me feel hopeful and not run away from people. Instead it inspires me to deepen connections and motivates me to keep healing so I can give and receive love better and better <3

12th February, 2022

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